Having Sex with Intimate Dryness: How to Talk to Your Partner and Feel More Comfortable

Dr Anne Henderson is a Consultant Gynaecologist and one of a select group of British Menopause Society accredited Specialists in the UK.

Sex should feel good. It should bring connection, pleasure, and ease. But when vaginal dryness gets in the way, it can turn intimacy into something uncomfortable or even painful. If you have found yourself wondering why sex hurts, you’re not alone. Vaginal dryness during sex is incredibly common, yet it's something many people still feel uncomfortable talking about.

It is time to change that. Let’s explore what causes dryness in women during sex, how to talk to your partner about it, and when to involve your doctor, because intimacy shouldn’t feel like something you just have to get through.

What causes dryness of the vagina during sex?

Vaginal dryness is common, especially during perimenopause and menopause when oestrogen levels drop. This shift can make the vulva and vaginal walls thinner and less resilient, due to loss of collagen and elastin, with less natural lubrication, which is why sex might start to feel uncomfortable or even painful.

But hormones aren’t the only factor. Some common medications such as anti-depressants, stress, low libido or simply rushing foreplay can all add to the problem. Low sex drive and vaginal dryness often show up together, creating a loop where intimacy feels more like pressure than pleasure.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to stay that way. With the right support and a little curiosity, comfort and confidence are possible again.

Talking to your partner about vaginal dryness

This can feel like a tricky conversation. You might worry your partner will take it the wrong way or feel rejected. But the key is honesty. Find a calm moment outside the bedroom and lead with reassurance. Remember your partner is likely to have noticed these subtle changes as well and may be worried it’s a sign of rejection or lack of interest.

You could try saying, "I have noticed some changes during sex that make things feel a little uncomfortable. I want us to keep feeling close, so I would love to explore some options together."

Let them know this is about physical changes, not about love or attraction. You aren’t turning away from intimacy. You’re looking for new ways to enjoy it together.

A few facts go a long way. Many people don’t realise how common vaginal dryness during sex is or what causes it. Explaining the why can make it easier for your partner to understand. This isn’t a personal issue. It’s something you can work through together.

What helps with dryness during sex?

There are simple changes that can make a big difference.

Use a high-quality lubricant. A good sex lubricant for menopausal dryness helps reduce friction and discomfort without causing irritation. Our NAYDAYA Glide lubricant is pH-balanced, fragrance-free, water-based and free from unnecessary or harmful ingredients. It has been developed by women for women - with comfort and pleasure in mind.

Moisturise regularly. Focusing on daily hydration and care for the vulva can make a really noticeable difference in how you feel during intimacy. NAYDAYA Victory Oil works wonders to soothe, hydrate and protect this delicate area.

Try different positions, as some put less pressure on specific sensitive areas and allow for better control of depth and movement. There's no 'perfect position' for intimate dryness, just whatever feels good to you.

Extend foreplay. More arousal often leads to better natural lubrication. Take your time and focus on what feels good before penetration.

Take breaks. If something feels uncomfortable, stop and reapply lube or shift focus. There is no rule that says sex has to follow a set script.

Explore alternatives to intercourse. Kissing, touch, oral sex, mutual stimulation, and toys can all bring pleasure without discomfort.

Most importantly, keep communicating. Let your partner know what feels good and what does not. Check in with each other and adapt together.

When to talk to your doctor

If dryness and discomfort continue or worsen even after using lubricants and making sexual adjustments, it’s worth speaking to your doctor. Vaginal dryness during sex can sometimes be a sign of a genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM), also called vaginal atrophy. It’s very common, often associated with other problems such as cystitis, but there are targeted treatments that can help.

That said, we know it isn’t always easy to bring this up. Doctors appointments can feel rushed, and some don’t listen the way they should. If you have ever left an appointment feeling dismissed, you’re not alone.

Before you go, take a few minutes to write down what you have been experiencing. Note when the symptoms started, if they come and go, and what makes them better or worse.

You might say something like, "I have been feeling vaginal dryness and discomfort during sex. I have tried lubricants but I still feel pain. I would like to talk about other treatment options."

Your doctor may suggest things like vaginal moisturisers, HRT (including local oestrogen treatment), or other approaches based on your needs. You can ask about hormonal and non-hormonal options. And if you don’t feel heard, it’s okay to find another doctor who will listen. You deserve support from an expert who takes you seriously.

Including your partner in your care

If you feel comfortable, invite your partner to be part of the conversation with your doctor. This can help them understand what you’re going through and ease any confusion or distance.

After the appointment, talk openly about what the doctor said and what you would like to try. Let your partner know how they can support you. Remind them this isn’t about turning away from intimacy. It’s about finding ways to make it better for both of you.

Your partner might be facing changes of their own. Men can also experience shifts in desire, confidence or physical function. Honest conversations can help you support each other and stay connected through it all.

You’re not alone

Vaginal dryness and discomfort during sex is common. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It doesn’t mean intimacy is over, because with the right tools and support, sex can still feel good. It can still be exciting. It can still be yours.

Start with one honest conversation, with your partner, with your doctor, and with yourself.

Further Reading:

Let’s talk all things SEX (and making it more comfortable)

How to Talk to Your Partner About Vaginal Dryness

Making Intimacy Playful, Not Painful With Vaginal Atrophy